A Dark Day, A Dark Place
by dancergrl1
Summary: It was a day that turned his thoughts dark. But a dark place can't be lightened until someone shines something to make it so.
1. Chapter 1

Jules woke to Sam slipping out of bed. He'd done it a lot as of late, and she wasn't really sure why. It never affected his performance at work, but he was pulling away from her, keeping things in that he refused to share with her. He would deflect the questions, get angry with them. Never at her, but the questions seemed to make him unsure, adrift in his own mind. She'd stopped pushing weeks ago, but she hadn't stopped wondering.

She found him gazing blankly out their front window, not registering anything going on around him. She knew to approach carefully, even untethered like he was, his instinct was still to protect himself. "Sam?"

His shoulders stiffened, but he didn't respond to her.

She placed a warm hand on his shoulder. She was surprised when it stiffened under her hand, instead of relaxed. She rubbed across the back of his shoulders gently, the warmth comforting in the cool night. Even though it was summer, it was still cool at night.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Won't happen again." His voice was flat.

"Sam?" She knew what it meant when his voice went flat and emotionless. Something was bothering him and he was shutting down. She pressed on when he didn't answer. "Sam, please, just talk to me. I can help. We can work through it. But you have to let me in." She was pulling out her negotiator's voice, the buzz words.

He didn't respond, and she sensed him pulling away again, from this world to a different one.

"Fine. You wanna be left alone? So be it. It's the middle of the night in a godawful hot summer and it's three hours before we're supposed to be at workout. So goodnight, Sam." Her anger is manufactured, the only thing she wants to do is embrace him and tether him here. She begins to walk out of the room, her steps hesitant, but resolute.

His response makes her stop in her tracks. "My mind is a dark place. I'm afraid to let you in, because it might drown you too."

"It can't get lighter without something shining its way through."

Sam's composure drops there, and he's holding her, clutching her desperately as his thoughts threaten to drown him. Tomorrow was the day, the day he'd killed his best friend, his brother in everything but blood. If he hadn't had work, he would've been rip-roaring drunk in his apartment, staring down the barrel of his Colt, begging Matt to just let him go, stop keeping him here and join him.

Tonight, it wasn't just work keeping him together. It was her. It was Jules, her strength, her everything keeping him together. He just wished he was strong enough to tell her.

He hadn't realized she had led him over to the couch, and he held her for a moment, drawing from her quiet strength.

"Please, Sam. Tell me why."

"Where do I even start. It's not pretty, it's...I don't even know how to describe it."

She looked at him, forced his eyes to meet hers. The depth of the pain and the emotional turmoil she found there almost made her stop in her tracks. But she had to keep going. "Start with tonight."

Sam began, and his words came in fits and starts. "I...I keep taking that shot, and every time, it's someone different. Sara, Matt, my mother, the General...the team."

Jules knows what shot. The one he wished he'd missed. "I...I can't stop seeing them. His eyes. They were the most amazing color of green. Deep green, but he was such a jokester. There was always a joke around the next corner."

"Sounds like someone we know."

Sam nodded. That's why he was hesitant to get close. He got people killed. Good people. "It was July. I'd been cleared to fire. I followed the order. It was July 15th. He was barely 25."

His words choked him. He stopped, his breathing speeding up. "Every year...every year I look at that colt, and I wonder. I wonder if it's the year I'll finally hear his voice saying it's alright to let go. But every year, every goddamn year, he doesn't let me go. He makes me keep living, to find the beauty in life, live in the light, and not drown in the darkness. Every year, and it hurts so bad. So much. But I do. Because I promised him." His tears make hot tracks down his face, shame filling him. Men don't cry.

Braddocks don't cry.

Jules wipes each one reverently, holding him closely. She can't let him shoulder this alone. She whispers in his ear, not that he's listening to his surroundings right now, and untangles her from him. She retrieves a glass of water, and sends a text. There was no way he could work like this, not with this immense guilt weighing him down.

"Sam." He startles under her touch. He'd been so lost in the memories, the grief, but also the good times, the jokes and the fun they'd had. "C'mon, let's go to bed. It's early." He allows himself to be led to their bed, and curls himself under the blankets.

Jules decides she will tell him tomorrow, when it's less raw, that they're not working, either of them, and she is determined to make July 15th a better day for him. She wouldn't dream of replacing the memory, but if she can reduce the pain, even by a little, then she would.

For now, she would soothe him, let him sleep more, and just be there for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam stirred to the bitter smell of coffee and light shining through their curtains. He peeled his eyes open, and then wished he could just roll back over and go back to sleep. Today didn't hurt in sleep. He wouldn't see those eyes, constantly.

He rolled to his side and buried his head in the pillow. He didn't want to face today.

"Sam?" Jules' voice came from the doorway. He wanted to pretend to still be sleeping.

He knew she'd see right through it.

He rolled over and sat up. He met her eyes. She could read the depth of the pain in them.

She joined him carefully on the bed, handing him a cup of the coffee she'd brought with her. He sips it passively, not really tasting it. Today, everything will taste like cardboard. He knows this going in.

"Didn't… weren't we on shift today?" He's confused.

Jules decides to tell him now. "I called Sarge. We're off today." She wouldn't tell him she'd added in that call they needed a standing day off every year. This day.

Sam relaxes some at her words. "Thank you, Jules." They lapse into a comfortable silence.

The coffee is long past done, the two curled around each other like cats when the silence is next broken. "Sam...what do you want to do today?"

Sam's first thought will break her heart. This day nearly breaks him every year. He refuses to drag her down with him.

"Honestly, Jules, I just want to sleep. Sleep until today is over and go back to shoving it into a box." He adds internally that his usual methods of coping weren't exactly socially acceptable. That's why nobody was able to find him, in the past. He'd turn his phone off, and keep the shades and curtains drawn tightly. He didn't want to be found.

Jules decides a little pushing is necessary. "That's not a choice. You can do almost anything else, except go to work or that."

Sam feels unexpected rage bubbling up within him. "Jules, today is the day i killed my best friend. My brother. So why do YOU get to choose what I want to do today?"

Jules' response is just as charged. "Because I refuse to let you drown yourself alone, because you need to buck up and realize that you're not alone anymore!" She's yelling, and he feels shame rise within him.

He hangs his head. "You're right," he acquiesced, quiet and contrite.

Jules comes over to him again, and wraps herself into him. "Get dressed. I have a few ideas. If you hate them, we can come home. But promise to at least give it a shot."

Sam nods. It's the least he can do, trying to make someone else's day. He knows his is shot to hell anyways.

Jules throws workout clothes at him, and he looks at her. "Trust me?"

Sam looks at her. "Every day." He knew he could trust her, always.

They got dressed and left the house. Jules refused to tell him where they were going. He begged, pleaded, and bartered, but she was resolute. She wanted him to have new memories to associate with this day, and her surprise was part of that. She'd already made calls and had more surprises in store. She just hoped he liked them.

They pulled up to a rock gym, and Sam looked at her. "Seriously?"

She shrugged. "Might as well get some practice in. And think, sarge can't tell us off about the windows here."

A small smile graced his features, and he let himself focus on the moment.

They spent a decent 2 hours at the gym, challenging each other and pushing themselves harder than they ever had before. Sam's stomach growling finally led them out into the sunlight again.

Jules drove a route Sam was familiar with, and he worked out their next destination with ease. When Jules came out with 2 burritos and sodas, he smiled. She really was something else. They ate them and chatted, just like their relationship had started years ago. Sam wasn't happy, per say, with the memory still rattling around in his head, but he was content, here and now.

"So what's next?" Jules just smiled and started the car. This time, Sam knew better than to wheedle and whine to try to get the answer out of her. Her resolve was solid. She wasn't going to tell him.

They tumbled out of the car at their local mall. "Jules?" Shopping had never been his thing. Ever.

"Trust me." It was a statement this time.

They held hands like teenagers on a first date as they entered the building. Sam followed her to the mini-golf place that he'd always ignored. He was an in-and-out shopper, what he needed and nothing more.

They played multiple rounds, trying to best the other. It eventually turned out in Jules' favor. "Like always!" She'd said, and then flipped her hair dramatically. Sam laughed. She really was something else.

The drive home was quiet, each in their own heads. They showered and reconvened on the couch. Sam held her closely as he whispered in her ear. "Thank you for today, Jules. It was what I needed, but never let myself have."

Jules just reached up and kissed him on the forehead.

The doorbell rang, interrupting their silence. "Who's that to be?" Sam asked before he could stop himself. Jules just smiled that secretive smile again. Sam knew she was still up to something.

He was surprised when the rest of Team One piled through the front door. Sarge came over to him as everyone else trooped to the kitchen. "We're not letting you face this alone, ever again." Sam just squeezed his shoulder. He was still trying to process the emotions running through him.

Ed gave him a few minutes, but when he still hadn't joined them, he stuck his head into the living room. "Sam, are you coming?" Sam nodded and pulled himself off the couch.

He had a team to join.

Tomorrow, when it was all said and done, he would thank them, and maybe make a call to have help processing today. But for now, he just wanted to let himself live in the moment. And more importantly, enjoy the moment.

Jules wrapped a warm arm around his waist. She could feel how relaxed he was. She thanked whatever higher power had granted them this moment.

They all did.

They weren't ever going to let him take this burden on alone again. Not if they had any say in the matter.


End file.
